Harry Potter? Spawn of Darkness?
by Katameran
Summary: Harry Potter is transported to the rabid world of Pastor Jack Brock and Jerry Falwell...chaos ensues.


Harry Potter? Spawn of Darkness?  
  
Harry Potter drummed his fingers on his desk impatiently and wondered exactly how much History of Magic could be left. They had been in the classroom for what seemed like hours.Ron was asleep to his left, and Harry didn't think he could stay awake much longer. Suddenly the room began to spin. The desks and the other students faded out of sight, and Harry was left alone on his chair, shielding his eyes from the bright light that was surrounding him. The light gradually faded away, and Harry ofund that he was staring out at hundreds of startled people.and he was in a church. Silence. It was quiet. Too quiet. "Hallelujah!" someone shouted suddenly, to Harry's right. "The Lord is on our side! This demon shall now burn!" "W-what?" Harry asked, uncertainly. He tried to stand up, but found that he could not move from his chair. "You! You are evil! You spread the word of Satan to our children, and we will tolerate you no longer! Prepare to meet your doom!" The man shrieked. "I'm not evil! I'm only fifteen! I haven't had time to do anything evil!" Harry protested. The man pointed a finger at Harry, but slowly swiveled the rest of his body towards his herd. "Behind that innocent face lies the power of Satanic Darkness!" The last word echoed through the room. Darkness ..darkness.. ...darkness.. "Look at his forehead! There's an S! That stands for Satan!" "No!" Harry yelled. "It's a lightening bolt! I swear!" "Thunder often represents other deities - PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!" The man shrieked. "No!" Harry yelled, trying to escape from the chair. "God has decided that you will remain our prisoner, and our prisoner you shall be! It is His will!" "No! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Harry yelled in desperation, making a final lunge forwards. And then he was free. "Oh, look, it was just gum stuck to my chair. Ron's so obnoxious sometimes." "NO! He's free! It's the powers of Satan, facing off against Jesus! Harry Potter, PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!" The man yelled. "Stop SAYING that!" Harry yelled back. "You'll drive me CRAZY!" Just then. From the loudspeakers that were suddenly there. "CRAAAAAAAAAAAZY!" Loud music. "Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." "Oh, no." Harry whispered, going pale. "Britney Spears." "I'm so into yew.you've got that something.what can I do." the voice continued to screech. Harry did what any sensible person would do. He turned and fled the scene, running towards the door at the back of the church. "STOP! AND PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!" The pastor shrieked, following Harry down the narrow hallway. The boy who had survived Voldemort and one round of Britney Spears slammed a door shut behind him and, with great effort, moved a table in front of it - an attempt to stop the pastor and the herd. It was quiet. Too quiet. "Um.hello?" A voice behind him said timidly. Harry jumped about an inch into the air and whirled around three times, landing in his favorite defensive position - dizzy tunafish. "Um.are you ok?" The speaker was a girl with long black hair and pale skin. Her lips were blood red, her eyes blue. She was wearing a dress that was mostly blue, but had yellow and red trim. "Sure. I'm fine." Harry straightened up quickly. "Who are you?" The girl asked. "My name is Potter." He ran his fingers through his hair. "Harry Potter." "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Potter." "Er.do you know who that guy is out there? The loud one?" "Oh, sure," the girl said, "That's Jack Brock." "Who?" Harry asked in confusion. "Jack Brock. He thinks that we're both evil and messengers for Satan." "Who are you?" harry asked. "Me? I'm Snow White." The girl said casually. "Oh." Harry said. "It's nice to meet you." "So." The girl said. "What do we do now?" "I don't know." Harry sighed. "Are you?" Snow White asked. "Am I what?" "A messenger for Satan?" "I don't think so." "Oh." "Are you?" "Am I what?" "Are you a messenger for Satan?" Harry asked her. "Oh." The girl said. "Yes." "Oh." Harry replied. "That's nice." "Yeah. So." "Is Cinderella?" "That tramp? Never!" "Oh." "Shirley Temple is though." "What?" "Shirley Temple, in perpetual 8-year-old-with-ringlets guise. She's a messenger for Satan." "Wow. I wouldn't have guessed." "Yeah." Just THEN, another door that neither of the two had noticed before burst open and a man came in. He stopped when he saw Harry and Snow White." "YOU." He said pointing. "US." Snow White responded conversationaly. "YOU!" He yelled. "US!" Snow White yelled back pleasantly. "I BLAME YOU!" He yelled. Snow White and Harry blinked and looked at each other. "For what?" Harry asked finally. "My name is Jerry Falwell and I blame you for the ruin of my beautiful country! You there! You're a lesbian, aren't you!" He pointed at Harry. "No. I'm a boy." Harry answered. "You sick, sick crossdresser. And YOU!" He pointed at Snow White. "You had an abortion, didn't you! Don't lie!" "Um," Snow White said carefully. "I blame the gays, and the lesbians, and the people who have abortions, and the people who eat cheese for the ruin of America!" "Oh." Harry said, deciding to leave out the fact that he wasn't American. "Did they ruin it?" "No! But they mocked God. And he ruined it." "Oh." Snow White said. Just THEN, the door burst open and Jack Brock rushed in. "AHA! I HAVE FOUND YOUR SECRET LAIR! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!" He screamed in Harry's ear. "Ow!" Harry yelled, clapping a hand over his ear. "Dwarves, ATTACK!" Snow White screamed. Through the door rushed seven creatures, each two feet tall. They were each wearing a Viking helmet and carrying a spear. "We Vikings we Vikings!" They chanted. "KILL!" Snow White yelled, pointing at Jack. "Nooooo!" Jerry yelled, flinging a stapler at Sneezy. The stapler bounced off of Sneezy's ear. He immediately crumpled to the floor and died without so much as a single sneeze. "OH MY GOD!" Snow White wailed. "YOU KILLED SNEEZY!" "YOU BASTARDS!" The rest of the dwarves chanted in unison, swarming the two religious figureheads. "Well, that's taken care of." Snow White said pleasantly, smiling at Harry. "I really need to be getting back to my job now. The word of Satan needs to be spread. No little child is complete until they have been drawn into the occult." "I understand." Harry answered solemnly. "Well." "Yeah." "Goodbye." "Yeah." Snow White pulled open the door and stepped through it, the dwarves following closely behind. Harry watched her leave. Then he watched the door that she had left through. Then he turned and opened the other door. The music of Britney Spears no longer met his ears, and he walked into the echoing, sunlit room with a relieved feeling in his heart and in his soul. Then he saw the herd. "Oh. Hi." "Hi." They said. "So, are you done trying to burn me? Or do I have to conjure Snow White so that she can conjure Satan?" "Nah, we're through." "Does this mean you're done condemning?" Harry asked. "No. We still have the Eminem CDs." "Oh. That's ok then." "Yeah." "Well. Bye." "Bye." Harry walked to the large church doors and pulled them open. He was met by a blinding flash of light and a ringing noise. "Harry! Wake up! We have to go to our next class!" Ron said, shaking his friend's shoulder. "Where's Snow White?" Harry asked. "What? You're crazy. Come on." "Ok, yeah, coming." Harry stretched and rubbed his eyes. It was then he saw it. The thing looked so innocent, lying on the desk before him. "Harry, are you - what is That?" Hermione asked, staring at the magazine clipping of a smiling Shirley Temple. "Hermione," Harry said seriously, "behind that innocent face lies the power of Satanic darkness."  
  
  
  
A/N: I aim to offend no one. This was just releasing frustration at some of the news I read today about Pastor Jack Brock's book burnings - HP books were burned, and tapes of Disney's Snow White were destroyed.since when was Snow White satanic? I mean, I've heard all of the crap on Harry before, but HONESTLY! Shirley Temple is not a messenger for Satan. Shirley Temple IS Satan. Jerry Falwell is scum and he blames the gays, lesbians, feminists, abortionists, and a whole lot of other people for September 11th. Thank you for reading my lovely story, it is almost 11pm and I think I'm on some sort of crack. Please review. My CD has stopped. It's quiet. Too quiet. I'm finished now. For real. Honestly. Those who do not review.prepare to meet your doom. 


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